So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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