The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
