my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
