Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize