I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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