Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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