I puked a lego.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
accomplished twins. life is a go
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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