We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
