By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
