So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
