You kept calling me your small dog last night.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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