Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
