Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
