I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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