I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize