and she was petting her beer can
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
