If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
