i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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