Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
