Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
