genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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