I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
