Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
