found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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