Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
