Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
