We're facebook friends in real life
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
