I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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