She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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