Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
