I'll bet she douches with gravy.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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