you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Randomize