I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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