I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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