I'm going to jail i love you
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
