How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
As shirtless as possible
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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