I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
