My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
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