Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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