Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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