Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
