i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize