Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
