the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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