If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
