Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
