you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
