I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I will pee on everything he values.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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