remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
