I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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