I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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