this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
