this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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