I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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