my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
