I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
