I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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