The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
