omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize